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Darren and I made our relationship official on Sunday afternoon after a lovely weekend road trip together. I'm happy- he makes me very, very happy. And everything in my life seemed to be going wonderful and fate taking it's course at last... until Monday night. My French ex petit ami got hold of the news of my new relationship and the results have not been pretty. He's completely freaked out about it, something I never expected to happen. From the way he's been treating me over the course of the last month, I was fairly certain that he didn't care about me at all any longer. So it was a pretty huge shock when he tells me that he's been saving his money and was going to surprise me with a visit to America this summer. What?! I have not had a meaningful conversation with this guy in at least a month and this whole time he's been planning on flying across the Atlantic Ocean to see me? Super weird. I cried a lot yesterday. For a split second I even thought about breaking it off with Darren just to have my Frenchman back. But absolutely nothing adds up about all this. He only decides to admit his feelings to me and play nice when he learns there's a new man in my life? And just how was this whole "surprise" going to work? How can he come over here without even knowing my schedule and plans for the summer? And when we discussed his visit back when we were still together, we decided he could stay with my aunt in her large house.... he was just going to assume that he could still stay there without asking? I'm sorry, but nothing about this am I able to comprehend. I felt horrible about it at first and still do in a way. If he's genuine, then this really sucks for him. And yet another part of me is just so angry. He brought all this on himself. The thing is, when we were together I LOVED HIM. I wanted to be with him, I wanted to belong to him, even if it was from across the ocean. I did absolutely everything in my power to hold our relationship together, while it seemed that he did nothing. I sent him gifts, cards, wrote him letters constantly, wore the ring he gave me everyday, told him how much I missed him and wanted to be with him. And what did he do? He told me that I needed to find an American boyfriend. At least once a week he made a comment about how it would be just fine if I were to meet someone new. And I told him each time that I DIDN"T WANT ANYONE BUT HIM. I could not have made myself clearer. A girl can only hear this so many times from the man she loves before she gets fed up. The last time he made such a comment I even cried on the webcam in front of him. And that night I decided that we couldn't be together anymore. I loved him with all my heart, but he was obviously not dedicating himself to the relationship. So a few days later I told him that we couldn't be with each other anymore and he needed to find a nice French girl and be happy. He didn't fight this; he seemed quite in agreement. So why on earth is he so surprised and upset by this all??? I don't get it!!!! So what do I do? Move on in my life... I have something really promising going on with Darren and I can't give up on it now. He's a man with an amazing new career, his own home, and an all-around unbelievable maturity for his age. Plus, he's funny, sweet, intelligent, and absolutely crazy about me. I can't let this one go, and I'm not. I'm truly sorry that things didn't work out with the French boy, because I did love him so much and I know he felt, or feels, the same way. But honestly, that's not enough to keep a relationship working. And it hurts that he claims we can't be friends any longer... a lot. But I guess he has to do what's best for him to move on, and I'll always, always keep a place in my heart for him...
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Worst feeling in the world: knowing that you're losing your best friend and not being able to do anything to stop it. I guess that's what you get when the person who knows you best, and you trust the most, is your ex-boyfriend. I still love him so much, even if it's not in the way I used to. I just wish he would talk to me, let me know if he's alright. I would do anything for him, but he's starting to shut me out of his life now. I'm really just about to let him go once and for all, to let fate take over and stop trying to control everything... souhaitez-moi de la chance...
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Ok, it's not really a relationship yet, but it's looking good. I called him tonight, he was at his friend's house, and the conversation went something like this... Moi: Hey! How are you? D: Good! And you? Friend in the background: Who's that? D: Emily Friend: Oh, the new girl? D: Yep So I'm the new girl and he's telling his buddies about me!! Sweetness! And only two more days until I see him again... he's taking me out for ice cream! Gotta find something cute to wear that he's never seen on me... =)
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Sitting in a beautiful Catholic Church In the Central West End On a beautiful warm evening Listening to the sounds of Mozart and Handel Whilst in the arms of the man of your dreams.... Happiness happens!
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So Mr. Perfect called me yesterday to see if I might want to go out with him and do something that evening. Um, yes! Hehe. I was at my godson's birthday party when he called, so as soon as I got off the phone with him I ran out to the party and told absolutely everyone I saw! People I've never even met before now know the entire story. And that's fine by me, because it's just so darn "aww"-worthy!. So that night he picked me up at my dorm and we decided to head down to Main Street and eat at Trail Head. It was wonderful! Lighted candles and everything, hehe! Afterwards we drove out to the mall to play mini-golf which was super fun. But then the mall closed on us and we had to find something else to do. I suggested we go out to New Town to visit this wine bar that my friend introduced me to earlier this week. The music was too loud and everyone was really drunk there, but it was lovely nevertheless. It was so perfectly beautiful yesterday that we sat outside and just talked about anything and everything. And because he had never been to New Town before we decided to walk around it and just look at everything. Ok, both of us agree that the town is creepy as all hell and fundamentally wrong in it's Twilight Zone/Stepford Wife-ishness, but darn it, it's pretty to look at! He kept his arm around me as we walked through town and I wonder if I've ever felt more safe and comfortable with someone... until he threated to throw me in the canal! Hehe, just teasing me though. So we walked and talked for a long time before getting back to the car and driving back to school. It was only 11:30 when we got there, so we decided to sit outside my dorm and talk. Our little talk ended up being 2.5 hours long! And I swear it only felt like half an hour at the most. So eventually we decided that if we didn't go then, we would end up falling asleep in the car, so he walked me up to my dorm. Happiness. I keep thinking that maybe this weekend was all just a dream. It's so surreal. Just last week I happened to be thinking about him, wondering what the chances were for us accidently meeting again and striking up some sort of romance. And honestly, I thought that the chance was a big fat "0". And now look... craziness!! But oh, I don't know if I've ever been this attracted to someone in my life. Like, I just want to hold his hand and never let go. My whole body gets goosebumps when he puts his arm around me. And kissing him... well I totally saw those fireworks that everyone always talks about. Sparks were flying like crazy! Sigh... So he wants to see me again and he's coming into town again on Thursday. Absolutely cannot wait. Yay yay yay yay yay!!!!
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It's only 7 am on a Saturday morning, but I cannot sleep and instead am trying to wrap my mind around what happened last night. I just have to type it all out, as Hannah says! So a few of my good friends know that there's this guy I met my very first day of university here and basically fell in love with at first sight. The problem- he dated one of my sorority sisters for about 3 and half years. Ugh. Well she broke up with him last summer and I never really saw him again. With being in France last semester and everything, it wasn't something I really had time to think about and I honestly figured my chance was gone and it was over and done with. Well.... Last night we were all in the band room before the concert and who should walk in but him! And what's more, we immediately locked eyes. Oh, my heart skipped a beat and I could not stop looking at him, but was too afraid to go talk to him. I was a bundle of nerves waiting for the start of the concert and that was the last thing I needed to deal with. Well, the concert was a disaster (for me, at least), but afterwards our fraternities held a reception. And just guess who should come stand near me when I was helping to serve... Well I took a deep breath and said hi to him and that's just about all it took. The rest of the night we were absolutely inseparable. I invited him to go out to a bar that my friend and I were talking about going to and he was all for it, absolutely. It was so much fun. The most fun I've had since France, I think. It was so nice to hang out with everyone from the music department that I don't usually see outside of band class or orchestra. But him and I often seemed to be in our own little world, just talking about our lives and things. It was just unbelievable. And then he took me up to the bar and bought me a few drinks and everything just felt wonderful. I know we were both a bit inebriated, but it was oh so fun. And somehow his arm went around me and we ended up holding hands... I don't even know how! So after the lame bar closed at 1 (is that typical in America? Bars in France don't close until 3 on Fridays or Saturdays!) a few of us ended up walking through campus and sitting under the clock tower just talking. So fun! And then everyone left and just him and I were left... I started feeling so nervous too! But it was perfect. We talked more and he walked me back to my dorm, holding my hand. And then... one of the nicest first kisses ever. He told me that last night was wonderful, the most fun he's had in so long. And he said he absolutely has to call me tomorrow. Oh yay! I'm so incredibly happy. Of course with anything in my life there's a catch. He just got a teaching job across the state near the Oklahoma border and he's moving there before the start of the next school year. As it is now he lives like an hour south of St. Louis. Oh, but whatever. I can't let myself think that far ahead. Last night was just perfect and that's that. Plus, he hypothetically asked me what I would do if he came to visit St. Louis more often. And I told him that hypothetically I just might have to make myself available to see him during those times. And he seemed awfully satisfied with that. So basically it's just absolutely mind-blowing to me that this perfect man I've adored from afar for over two years has now told me he wants to see me again and again, kissed me, and spent the whole night paying no attention to anyone but me. 24 hours ago if someone told me that would have happened, I would have laughed in there face. But it has... and I'm one happy girl!
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Maintenant, je veux écrire en français. Je pense que ce journal est parfait pour ça. Non, je ne vais pas écrire en français tous le temps, mais souvent j'espère. Je sais que c'est si bon pour moi. Il faut que j'écrit confortablement en français, donc ce journal va m'aider beaucoup. Apres tout, je suis la Franco Fille! Et aussi, depuis longtemps j'ai pensé qu'on peux seulement parler de les choses les plus importants dans la vie en français. Les choses comme l'amour, le mort, l'art, les emotions, etc. J'ai lu dans une lettre de Marlene Dietrich où elle a dit qu'on peux pas discuter l'amour en anglais...c'est trop sévère, presque moche! ... Ou quelquechose comme ça. :p Et je croire que je suis d'accord. Mais le francais... ça c'est vrai poésie- chaque mot est si belle, si parfait. Et ensemble...oh, les mots sont comme la musique! J'adore... Ugh, j'aime écrire en français, mais je déteste le difficulté d'utiliser les accents, à cause de mon clavier americain!! J'ai besoin d'un clavier français! =)
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Starting a new journal... oh la la. Where to begin? What to write about first? What to write about at all? Such a daunting task at hand! Quel travail! I want to write. That's where I will start. For as long as I can remember I've had this terrible, raw urge within myself to write out all my emotions, to document my joys and pains, to pour my soul out on paper (or...computer screen as the case may be.) I've kept personal, hand-written diaries through most of my life, though quite sporadically. I've even had a few other online journals, which I like to think just ran their course. It's been a while now and that overwhelming urge is demanding satisfication more than ever before. Sometimes I go through the day composing in my head what I would write, how I would carefully word each phrase. And every time I really do mean to run home and write it all down as soon as I possibly can. But inevitably I find there's homework to be done, a dog to be walked, a book to be read... and I forget all about my perfect composition until the time comes again when I'm feeling particularly stressed, particularly frustrated, particularly happy. Then the whole darn things starts over again. But!.... I am here, now, writing!
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stressed
melancholy
excited
satisfied
hopeful
giddy
creative
contemplative